Obviously you can tell that the regularly scheduled programming 'round these parts has been far less regular and far more irregular.
I was very excited to find August was here upon us, which means for us as a family super slow days and plenty of time to just. get. stuff. done. already. For me that included making my sewing room super organized and efficient, getting clothing ready to sell or give away, and sitting down and posting here as often as possible.
But, bam, August 1st arrives, and while waiting for August to come I realized something else had not come the way it was supposed to, so on that Friday morning, I asked my husband to stop at the CVS on the way home and buy me a pregnancy test.
And because I have already had many pregnancies under my belt, I knew that there was no way it would be negative, but since most ob/gyn offices won't invite you to come on in to discuss your pregnancy without a positive test, I took one as soon as enough time had passed for it to be anything but a baby on the way.
Yep. I was pregnant.
We were never not okay with having a fourth child, we just had it in our head that we shouldn't, and we took the time to ensure we weren't going to have a fourth. Well, my OB said that as women age, you can actually ovulate earlier, and so even if you are fairly sure of your NFP signs (we are devout Catholics and do NFP--more on that here), "advanced maternal age" moms will ovulate earlier. Oh, is that right?
So upon realizing our pregnancy, and sitting a bit slack-jawed, we both really came around to the idea and were thrilled at having a new little one in our lives.
Then Sunday, August 3 came, along with a bit of blood. Scared out of my mind and sure I was losing the baby, I told my hubby. He looked pretty crestfallen, too. Then the bleeding stopped completely, and Dr. Google told me the baby may be okay.
So Monday comes and I go to see the doctor, and all looks good and she seemed not too concerned about the blood, but told me to watch for it in the future. She also took my bloodwork, and by the next day I found my HCG levels were very high, and my progesterone was a bit low (but still in the "acceptable" limits). She made me get some progesterone to help me and the baby, and all was good.
For a week. The next Tuesday (the 12th) at night I once again started bleeding, and while it was not a huge amount, it never stopped. I called the doctor and she said to get an ultrasound the next morning and see what's going on...
Of course we immediately scheduled something the next morning, and nervous as hell, I walk into the ultrasound room, and as quickly as she got the gel on my belly, we saw the heartbeat. I started weeping in happiness that the baby had a heartbeat.
The ultrasound showed the bleed near the baby, though, and they told me the doctor at my practice would let me know more about what to do.
But because we had seen the heartbeat and evidence of where the bleed was coming from, we figured we would be okay, especially if I took it easy and didn't do too much.
I made sure the office wanted me to keep my appointment for Tuesday, August 19, and they confirmed that they still wanted to see me.
After seeing the baby and the sweet little heartbeat, the bleeding continued, never especially heavy, but there was evidence that maybe everything wasn't okay, including clots and cramping, but Dr. Google said a lot of women had those, too, and their babies were just fine.
Armed with that knowledge, I went into the appointment ready to go. Well, it wasn't so great. Turns out my doctor was really uncomfortable with the amount I kept bleeding, and the cramping made her unsure of my pregnancy's state, so she said to steel myself for a 50/50 chance of miscarrying the baby. And she made me go in for another ultrasound, "ASAP."
The next available appointment was the next day, and through it all, I was fairly convinced that everything would be okay, and if it wasn't we would see a baby without a heartbeat (which would be awful, obviously).
What we didn't expect was that the ultrasound tech would see NOTHING in the uterus, no sac, no baby and the heartbeat, nothing.
Turns out that I had miscarried and hadn't even known it.
I was STUNNED. I literally couldn't talk.
See I have miscarried before. TWICE...both before Rex came along. And both of those didn't show up as miscarriages until the ultrasound showed either a baby with no heartbeat or an empty sac (blighted ovum). The miscarriage I had with the baby with no heartbeat was HORRIBLE, PAINFUL, AWFUL, and frankly was the reason why I was petrified at the prospect of having another one. So to have a miscarriage and not even notice it was happening (seriously, very little pain, not that much blood, etc.) seemed unreal.
Finding out made me sad and blue, of course. The kids were super sad. (We told them only because of the heartbeat, in the past, for us anyhow, heartbeat equals kid is cooking properly.) I wasn't sure how to process the events that had been swirling around me for the past half a month. It was all too much.
I will never regret getting pregnant for the sixth time. The potential of an extra baby in the house was thrilling, if a bit scary financially and physically.
I have no great ending to this story, except I really wanted to tell it. Humanity shows its greatness in times of grief, and if this story helps someone else out there with one of their own struggles, then I am happy to have told the tale.
I also wanted a record of the baby that was and then was no longer with us. And by telling this baby's story, I have told the story of my other babies that didn't make it.
I know that I am now back to being semi-close to normal, and progress has restarted on plans I had to put off in early August. I feel ready to go back to what we were meant to do, instead of planning for something we weren't thinking we would do, but returning to that was HARD since the new plans were more than okay by me.
I guess that's all. I wish I had more to share, but maybe this is just enough.
I will be back tomorrow with more frivolity and silliness and clothing and stuff, but I couldn't restart that without writing the above.